Saturday, December 20, 2014


who am i, really? 

not who was i?
or who have i become?

but who am i, really?

is there an i?

and what does “am”
even mean?

who has the right
to define being?

i am………..       what?
you are…….       what?

tell me what you are
and i will tell you

what you are not

but i cannot confirm
or deny
what you

you cannot confirm
or deny
what you

you and i         together
can confirm
what we are

Friday, December 19, 2014

freeform (for Kerry)



just let it all go
what is this freeform thang

who knows?

there is no reason to speak in rhythm or rhyme
this is fucking ridiculous to even try

poetry, what?

ain’t nobody got time to work through this shit
just say what you need to say and go on
but no structure means no structure
no structure means no meaning
what is this that i am even writing?

i paint with words the pictures of my twisted mind
i sing the songs of my soul with musical notes of pain
if you take away my structural sacristy
how can you take me seriously?
i will die a slow and miserable death alone

aint got no form
no meaning

shittin and jivin

say what?

aint no thang


tonight my mind screams
that is my curse

what do you long for?
what could be worse?

i cannot guarantee
or promise a rhyme

much longer than this
there is no more time

for my mind is now absorbed
in utter adoration of itself

that there is no more room
for anything else

rhythm and rhyme
now fall apart

there is no more room
for anything else

anything of value
just simply melts away

as putrid disarray
fucks with backward rhymes

get into my mind
if you have a desire to see

what dissonance
and disarray means

get out of your happiness
and join the discontent

for we are here
in the lament

no one wants
to mourn alone

none wants
to die


to be free of fear

what is this? this pane of glass
this sense of clarity
what is this? this sudden knowing
this mirror of me

seeing and not
clarity and not
clear to see through, but yet
what is on the other side?

you gave me a view
of something i did not know
that was shared
with any other than me

you hurt as i do?
you know what I feel?
you have been where I stand?
oh, but no

i am fucking unique
with my intelligence
i am the end all be all
get out of my space

i am insulted
by your insolence
your crass but caring

i want to know what you know
no, i don’t
i want to be rid of what you know
to be free of this

to be free of fear

Saturday, December 06, 2014

the bastard and the beast

i hesitate with pen in hand
into the darkness to step.
the open door reveals a place
from which it is difficult to return.

as tears well in my eyes I feel
the fear arise.  the fear of feeling itself.
facing the darkness before my eyes
i realize the darkness is myself.

depression is a bastard and a thief
spawned from the depths of mind
stealing words, thoughts and expression.
leaving gaping wounds of loneliness and silence

falling headlong, struggling to hold on
to what I don’t know, but I know I must.
swallowing creativity, desire and love
leaving emptiness, remorse and helplessness

wandering, an empty vessel, in the world
staring speechless, clueless into the eyes of care
with no words to share, or feelings to give
barren, stripped of love, acceptance, friendship

a rotting pile of dung in place of humanity
stinking from lack of care or desire
rolling in muck with no recognition
that anything should be changed

loneliness in a crowded room
but loneliness that is insufficient
the healing loneliness is found only when
you escape the presence of even yourself

the beauty of sleep grants the reprieve,
in hours of unconsciousness you escape the me
utterly alone and unknowing
the pain…            stops

but the bastard thief will not be denied!
slithering into your every breath
to steal the beauty of sleep and befriend
the beast…  insomnia

prolonging the misery until the body
utterly collapses under the weight
insomnia sinks her talons into the brain
claiming every moment, demanding attention

raping and murdering every potential
moment of slumber, denying peace
with horrid dreams and frightful
phantoms of lurid and lucid memory

and then the tears begin to flow
the helpless, hopeless, collapse and release
the unending flowing river of emotion
that cannot be dammed.

engrossed in the sudden recognition
that you have snapped, that the bastard has won
without means to struggle or fight
you succumb… and sink into the darkness

longing for peace, for inner calm
longing for the yesterdays of happiness
longing to feel anything good
the darkness crushes the soul

the bastards curse is a betrayals ruse
the lovers and families and friends
succumb as well to fierce misunderstanding
rejection, silence and isolation

the bastard and the beast
in tandem seal the victory
lonely and utterly alone
left with nothing but yourself

the death spiral has begun
the mind empty of rationality
replays only the bastards lament
and awaits the useless, triumphant utterly relieving end

the cry for help, not understanding
and misunderstood, nowhere to turn
enemies within and without

maybe only one way out