Wednesday, December 12, 2007

as i do it again

as i do it again i fear i cannot stop
i fade into the swallowing fog

i am losing my way as i wander along
lost in sorrow i fear what i have become

stand aside and bear witness to my own demise
knowing both truth and consequence

silent and ashamed i keep to myself
alone in the disease of my own making

hear the warning calls of the one i love
see the shame and feel the codependency

the tormenting weight of addictive turning
presses upon me like a millstone's grind

the thief has arrived my life to steal
concealed already in the robbers bag i rest

giving way i yield to slippery slope
feed the dereliction of desire

fuel the fire and fan the flames
even as my own flesh burns

inflict the pain of the prisoners mirth
tightened rack at my own hand

cannot speak the shameful words
pride and fear has marked the way

lament the disappointment's curse
guilt has paved the rueful way

down the path of no return
what is to become of me? i say

in what truth shall my children rest?
that i have succumb to a grave?

that in cursed pleasure opened in jest
i long to find and know the rooted cause

for this malignancy that rots in my soul
i look without and never within

deny myself the truth from which i hide
sick and troubled my countenance fades

cannot bear the burden that is mine
to disappoint the maternal and bridal pride



Anonymous said...

That's why I blogrolled you a long time ago --your unique style of poetry and your piercing voice of pain rings familiar...Thank you, G. I'm going on haitus for awhile but wanted to wish you well. Ali

painter said...

I can relate. I don't want to throw program at you, but... Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better. But it can get better... if you can find a program that works for you. Good luck and best wishes.